To my girlfriend's supposed friends,
There where warning signs right off the bat. When P-funk announced the locale for her birthday dinner (after the dyke-licious birthday plans of stock car races were rained out), every single one of you made some protest upon hearing the dreaded location of, gasp, NE Minneapolis. I know that you rarely leave Minnetonka, Eagen, Edina, (insert gentrified Twin Cities suburb here) and when you do, it is to go to places like the effing Hard Rock Cafe and Valentinos, two locations P-funk and I suffered through for some of y'alls birthdays in the past year. But suck it up, her b-day is only once a year. When you chose a straight nightclub with a dress code for your birthday party, we didn't complain to you about it (I complained on cyberspace, but that is a different story). And when you didn't look up directions to a place you'd never been to before and got lost, not only did you not apologize for being late (which you never do), you complained about the location to the Birthday girl, again.
Then, in quick succession, you behaved in ways that pretty much secure you on my shit list:
1) You treated the waitress like she wasn't human
2) You made fun of other people in the bar because they have the courage and creativity, unlike you, to dress outside the norm. ("Apparently it's 'Wear your underwear on the outside of your clothes' Day. I guess I didn't get the memo.")
3) You talked about how awesome the Transformers movie was.
But the worst offense of all: the birthday presents. I'm completely baffled by the gifts you got my girlfriend. You seem to be suffering from the "I'll just get her something that I would like because she'll probably like it too" syndrome. The problem with that approach is you are a spoiled femmy brat that apparently hasn't looked your friend in the face since you all when to Edina High School together. At least I hope that is what your problem is, because it is better than the alternative which is "we are in complete denial about the fact that our friend is a big old lesbian" syndrome, or, even worse, "we know she is a big old dyke, but we think that doesn't mean she can't be frilly" syndrome. How else can you explain the fact that she received FOUR tubes of glittery tinted lip gloss from two different "friends"? This is in addition to the Winnie the Pooh stickers, body splash, shampoo and aromatherapy thingy she received.
[Side note. This is what happens when a lesbian receives a Pier One aromatherapy thingy (technical name: Zanzibar Clove Reed Diffuser):
Lesbian: Is it a candle?
Femmy brat: No
Lesbian: But do you light it?
Femmy brat: No
Femmy brat's boyfriend attempting to speak lesbionic: You put the bamboo sticks into the aromatherapy oil. The bamboo soaks up the oil and wicks the scent into the air.
Lesbian: Ok, I get it. So you just use one stick at a time?
Femmy brat and brat's boyfriend: No, you use them all at once.
The best gift was the one I thought was tacky at first: $10 cash in a card. When P-funk opened that one first, I thought to myself, "Jesus, it's not like you're her Aunt Doris! Cash in a card? At least put the cash towards an iTunes gift card." But in the end, I figured at least you recognized you had no idea what to get her and didn't resort to some nauseating flower-scented crap she'd never get for herself. She could at least use the cash for something she wants or needs. Like, say, a drink a gay bar with friends after a disastrous dinner with high school friends. Which is exactly what we did!
Smitty (who recognizes the hypocrisy of my judgemental and holier than thou tone while criticizing someone for being judgemental and holier than thou. But I'm being judgemental of them being judgemental, whereas they were judging someone based on wardrobe. So I totally win).