Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Best. Cheer-up. Email. Ever! Thanks Austin!

I just received the following message from my friend Austin and now there is a smile on my face!

"I know I am working on getting a JD, this is not like an MD. That was my warning that the following advice is not my medical opionion, but just sort of general things I have gathered either through others or that I just made up now.

While depressed avoid:

overly cheery people - (a) they typically suck to be around but when depressed it is magnified as they would say something like "make lemons out of lemonaide" which is the problem because (b) they may possibly force you to become violent (c) and confined spaces with them as it only increases the odds of the aforementioned (b).

whiny folks - you are in no place to empathize, but more possibly attack their shallow whines and then shatter their already shakey existance

depressing music - elliott smith is a bad choice right now. Just say no to emo.

nonhappy ending movies - millon dollar baby, boys don't cry, the crying game, bambi - all should be avoided.

Booze - not because it is a depresent no, no no. More to avoid the drunk dials you will live to regret. Or drunk emails etc.

The one uppers - those that say, "oh yeah you did X, well that's not so bad because I had Y happen to me." Though normally they can be side stepped and ignored or talked over most of the time. Right now you may lash out and explain that Y is not X so no they don't really know what it is like and that Y in fact didn't even happen to them because they are too full of shit to ever have anything actually happen in their life.

The mall of america - this is actually a place that should just pretty much always be avoided

WE - now is not the time to watch women be abused or have shopping problems. Their problems are obvious and solvable and their lives are in no way as meaningful or complex as your own melodrama.

Things to not avoid:

Austin - though she can be cheerful she is far more cynical than most and sassy. Pick someone for her to verbally assault and she will do that just to make you smile.

Pointless comedy - movies like "mean girls," "tootsie," "Wayne's World," and any great standup - Whoopie, Kathy Griffith, Ellen, Robin Williams, you should know who you like.

Flea markets - for many reasons (a) you are better off than 95% of the people there (b) great neil and elvis finds are bound to occur (c) shit is cheap and (d) people watching

Bravo - that channel is just damn good tv

dancing - you missed a remix of glamorous by Fergie that repeated "tacobell" about 100x. You don't get that experience just anywhere. How often can you dance to tacobell?

Please again remember this is in no way medical advice but more of some bullshit I wrote to make you at least smile or roll your eyes. If I wasn't successful I blame it on the fact that it is text so something must have be lost.

On a totally different note unrelated to the above list my dog Q got a haircut yesterday and he is very handsome and proud. He struts all over and seems very excited. Basically he is proud to no longer have the shag and return to his stud buzz cut. Take it easy. I am going to the show at your theatre on thursday. I hope it doesn't suck. If it does suck expect hate mail coming at ya'

Take it easy, and try not to be so easy


[LLCJ stands for LL Cool Jew, btw]


chinesetwine said...

shit. I just emailed you about Bob Barker's retirement. Love that Austin.

coryq said...

How did your friend Austin know I got a haircut this weekend?

The only happy thing I have to send your way is a digital camera. You will have it on Monday.

P-Funk said...

AWWW...That Austin she's so good!