Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I'm going to miss you suburban puppers!


It has been fun playing house with you cuties!



Random stories/observations from recent goings-on

The lamps in The Cheesecake Factory in Edina, Minnesota looks like the Eye of Sauron in the Lord of the Rings movies, which I always thought looked a lot like a big flaming vagina. So, essentially, the lights in the Cheescake Factory look like some kinda Georgia O'Keefe Fire-crotch art project gone wrong!
My one year anniversary working at the University was on March 20th. My co-workers took me out to lunch and gave me a card for the occasion. However, my boss signed the card "Happy B-day." I wonder what she'll think when she's given another card to sign next month on my actual birthday. Of course, this is the same woman who, on her way out the door yesterday (Monday), said, "Have a nice weekend!". So I'm guessing she won't ever realize her blunder.

P-funk and I were in a thrift store on Saturday when an employee came over the P.A. and announced, "Code 4," followed by something in Spanish. We decided that it translated to "Code 4! Lesbians in housewares!". For the rest of the day, I'd randomly bust out with, "Code 4: Lesbians in the Kitchen!" or, "Code 4: Lesbians on the freeway!".

We are currently house/dog sitting in the suburbs and therefore ended up at Perkins for breakfast over the weekend. Where we saw a grown woman pull a bib out of her purse, fasten it around her neck, fold her hands in front of her, pray aloud at the table, and dig in for some serious grubbing. Hey lady, Perkins may not be fine dining, but bibs are NOT acceptable attire. This ain't Red Lobster!

Which is worse: playing to a fuller house where only half are paying attention to you, or playing to a small crowd of interested fans in an otherwise empty room? Went to see Bitch, formerly of Bitch and Animal, perform at Pi last night. Don't you hate it when you are a member of an audience that won't behave? You end up feeling embarassed and guilty to be part of the crowd, even though you yourself are playing nicely. Last night, it appeared as though half those there were just there to hang out and talk and not see the show. You could tell it was really frustrating for Bitch and she actually stopped one of her spoken word pieces part way through, said, "Fuck it," and picked up her bass and drown everyone out instead. Cringe.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Drag Queen Wardrobe Malfunction

Last Sunday, P-funk, Doyle, Jess and I went to the Gay 90's for the "Miss Gay Northern Star" Drag Pageant. The winner and first runner up go on to compete in the National Miss Gay USofA Pageant in Texas. I have to say, I was a bit disappointed: there were only two rounds, evening gown and talent (talent = lip syncing). I guess I was expecting other categories. Bathing suit certainly would've been interesting. I've seen other drag queens go on stage with as little as a thong and pasties before, so a bikini actually isn't outside the realm of possibility. But one of the things I like about drag queens is that the full bodied curvaceous queens can complete as equals with the skinny bitches. So I'm glad swimsuit wasn't a category. But I would've loved an interview portion with the judges. There could've been questions like "If you could be either Paris Hilton, Christina Aguilera, Tyra Banks or Lindsay Lohan for a day, who would you be, and why?"

Also, there were only 3 contestants! So that meant 3/4 of the competitors are going to Nationals! Maybe there were preliminary rounds that I didn't know about and these were the finalists. But I was a tad bit surprised when the pageant itself probably only took up 45 minutes of the show and the rest were performances by the usual La Femme showgirls and some special guests.*

For the evening gown competition, the contestants flaunted their stuff, sashaying about slowly, pausing in front of the judges to pose and lift their dresses to show off their shoes. Meanwhile, the MC would tell the audience the dress designer, hair stylist, make-up artist, etc. Usually, these helpers were other drag queens, so you'd hear things like: Brandonna's dress is designed by Shamika Dupris, hair by Nina D'Angelo, makeup by BeBe Benay. Awesome.

Contestant Mahogany Blue was wearing a shimmery green sequined number with a halter top. Similar in style to this dress, it had a plunging neckline with two vertical strips of fabric covering the chest that met behind her neck, like a halter top. Mahogany was mid-sashay when the wardrobe malfunction occurred. The neck strap snapped, gravity took over, and the next thing you knew, there were two fake titties (and separate nipple enhancers) tumbling to the floor! Essentially, she was now naked from the waist up (that is just how much the neckline plunged). I gotta give Mahogany credit, she was the consummate professional. She just held the dress together behind her neck and continued her parade, occasionally switching the hand that was holding the dress to give the other arm a chance to look graceful.

I can only imagine that all decorum was lost backstage, when she confronted the dress designer, Simone LaRue, with her fake-nailed fingers contorted into a gnarled talon of goddess rage!

In the end, Mahogany came in last. Who is to say if it was the wardrobe malfunction alone that cost her her chance for the National crown. After all winner
Miss Alexis Principle's Tina Turner impression was pretty hard to beat! I thought Mahogany should've won at least Miss Congeniality for how she handled her mishap!

*A note about the special guests. Tiffany T. Hunter was a visiting drag queen from a club in St. Louis. She was an absolute train wreck. At one point, Doyle saw her on her hands and knees in the women's restroom ralphing. Later, she came onstage with toilet tissue stuck to her platform shoe. And she kept bumping into the pillar in that is front center on the 90s stage. Some awkwardness around the obstruction might be expected from a visiting performer, but I think it is safe to say that she was impaired to the point that she kept forgetting the pole was there.

Another visitor was Alyssa Edwards, the winner of a National Pageant. The only way to describe her presence on stage is FOUL. The look on her face was one of complete and utter disdain. Pure evil. A fabulous diva.

Friday, March 23, 2007

I don't get corporate america

So a number of years ago, my dad started a high tech telecommunications company that was eventually bought out by a larger company on the East Coast. They announced they would be closing my Dad's branch last year, so he has been out of a job since December. Always the entrepreneur, my dad is starting yet another company. This time, an engineering firm. Basically, you come up with an idea you can't execute, my dad's firm will design and build it for you. His first customer? The company that laid him off. They can't make their new product without his engineers. Oh, the irony.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

An open letter to the man that chucked a computer at my girlfriend

Dear Dickweed,

Imagine, for a moment, what it must've been like for her:

It is a lazy Sunday afternoon. After working a full 40 hour work week at 1 of your 3 jobs, you've slept in as long as possible to still get to your 2nd job on time. Job #2 out of 3 is at the Apple store in a the mall of a wealthy suburb. So you're used to taking a fair amount of crap from rich S.O.B.s who think they're above the rules. It sucks, but goes with the territory. Still sluggish from the St. Patty's Day festivities the night before, you've only been at work for twenty minutes when you hear a ruckus in another area of the store. Investigating, you discover an irate customer who has just discovered, *gasp*, that warranties are null and void when the repairs needed are due to customer error. The next thing you know, a soaring laptop has slammed into your shoulder. That'll wake you up right quick.

Dickweed, when a customer drops their Macbook and dents the hard drive (as in your case), puts an iPod Shuffle through the wash, or keeps their uncovered iPod under heavy textbooks in their backpack, Apple would be happy to repair the damage, but they aren't going to incur those costs. It sucks sure, but that's life. Accidents and Stupidness happen. Name me one corporation that pays for damage that is the customer's fault.

And even if you still think the policy is totally unfair, that laptops should be more durable, that you are entitled to repairs others are happy to pay, who did you decide to take it out on? The messenger? The customer service rep who has no power to change the rules you want to challenge? Not my first choice, but maybe you're that asshole. Maybe you shout some profanities and get in their face even though part of you knows that they are powerless to fix the problem. Happens all the time.

But shouting, "Forget it! I don't even want this computer!" and hurling it willy nilly across the room, and into my girlfriend? Shaking her up and bruising her shoulder (and no doubt damaging your computer even more) in the process? Fuck you! That's crossing the mutha fucking line! She wasn't even the one you were having the confrontation with (not that it would've been okay to hit the other guy).

I wish the other Apple employees hadn't already called mall security on your ass. Or that they realized right away you'd physically hurt someone. Because security came shortly after you assaulted my girlfriend and escorted you out of the mall. When it should've been the police taking you away in handcuffs.

Which is what will happen if you ever return to the store. An after-the-fact police report has been filed. Your image has been pulled from the security camera footage and displayed in the store. And if you enter it again, you'll be arrested. I almost hope you do come back, just to see your ass get nailed. Maybe you won't see this internet warning and will come back. After all, you left your precious laptop behind.


Fondly,
A usually tame lesbian you managed to turn into a crazed vengeful psycho dyke.

03/25/07 Update: Dickweed apparently didn't get the internet warning. P-funk just called to say he came back to the store today and got himself arrested! P-funk spotted him first, wandering around the front of the store. She alerted the manager, who double checked the photo of him posted in the back, confirmed it was him, and called the cops. He eventually approached an employee about his "computer he left here to get repaired." She stalled him by "checking in the back" for his computer, which gave the cops enough time to get there and cuff him. When told why he was being apprehended, he said, "I didn't know I hit anyone." Thanks for admitting you threw the computer, dumbass. I'll update with any more details as I get them, P-funk and I only had a quick conversation as we were both working when she called. This is so awesome. I only wish he hadn't come back when she was working.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Filler

I actually have a couple stories from the weekend I eventually want to put up here. One involves a bonafide wardrobe malfunction with a drag queen twist. In the meantime, some filler:


toothpastefordinner.com

Friday, March 16, 2007

Another one.


Dare I propose the theory that with his shiny iridescent necktie, Sam Brownback is a closet case? In which case, he's overcompensating for his own self-hatred as a gay man by projecting it onto all gays. Either that or pandering for votes. I like my first theory better, cuz then you get to call him "Samey Bareback"! How 'bout "Samey Brokeback"?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

In The News...

...The Anti-Gay Axis of Evil! A Trifecta of Hate!





Monday, March 12, 2007

Importance: High

One of my co-workers has this habit of clicking on the Red Exclamation Point in Outlook for every freaking email that he sends! To me, this habit demonstrates an irritating level of egoism regarding his job title and corresponding announcements. I think I've marked an email as "Importance: High" once since I started working here.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Kristy Kruger

I know this girl Kristy. She went to college with my friend Meghan. When I used to visit Meghan at USC, and when I ended up moving to California, I used to hang with Kristy occasionally. She stayed with me a couple times when she had gigs in the Bay Area. I once watched her spontaneously join a Karoke contest at the White Horse in Oakland. She would've won, if it was based on singing talent alone. But being a cheesey gay bar, she lost to the Sinatra impersonator. She sounds a bit like Neko Case and she has a great song called "Bitches and Assholes" that she once performed while sitting on my kitchen floor. Anyhow, she is a cool gal and needs help with her upcoming tour. This is what she had to say:

Hey everyone, Just wanted to ask you all to post this bulletin to your friends as well, if you can, or post on other web sites, etc. Over the next year and a half or so, I am going to perform a memorial concert for my brother who was killed in Iraq, Lt. Col. Eric John Kruger in all 50 states. I need all the help I can get, in terms of finding places to play, etc. in different cities (the small towns too). So, if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them. Also, here are some shows coming up, so please join us, if you can or pass this info along to your friends in these areas. Thanks!
To find out tour dates, go to:www.kristykruger.com/calendar.htm
Mon. Mar. 12th
Mimi's in the Marigny
2601 Royal St.
New Orleans, LA 70117
10pm-1am
504-942-0690
with Soda, Leslie, and Rose's Pawn Shop myspace.com/leslieandthebadgers
No cover, Donations accepted to the Memorial Fund for Children of LTC Eric Kruger
Official SXSW Showcase
Sat. Mar. 17th, 10PM
"The Tap Room at Six"
117 W. 4th St. (at Congress)
Austin, Texas 78701

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Uncle O'Grimacey


Tis the season...of the Shamrock Shake! I usually don't endorse eating at Mickey D's, but Shamrock Shakes rule. I'm enjoying one right now, as a matter of fact. I had no problem finding the minty green milky goodness at the first Mcdonald's I tried in Minneapolis today. But I guess it isn't so easy in other parts of the U.S., as evidenced by this site.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Why not just "Kim"?

When my friend Kylee worked at a movie theater back in high school, the management required name tags, but didn't want the girls to use their real names. Something about safety concerns. While her female co-workers were content adopting names like "Susie" and "Tara," Kylee took the opportunity to re-christen herself ZARQUOK. Which resulted in many humorous conversations with customer's about her heritage, parents' drug use, etc.

We can only hope that Baker's Square has a similar name tag policy. Otherwise, the waitress I had was actually named PUMPKIM and it wasn't a joke she was playing on her unassuming patrons.

That is not a typo by the way. I feel the need to clarify since the "m" and "n" keys are adjacent on the keyboard. Her name is not Pumpkin, but PumpKIM.