Monday, February 19, 2007

My first slice of Pi was yummy!

This past weekend was a weekend of club-hopping! Friday was the "sacrifice your own comfort and happiness for the sake of a friend (or a friend of your girlfriend in this case)" kind of clubbing. Saturday was the "make up for Friday's sacrifice by leaps and lesbian bounds" kind of clubbing.

First things fist: Friday. P-funk and I were headed to
Valentino's, a place that posed many red flags for me:

*They have a dress code. If I can't get in someplace wearing jeans and a fleece vest (and have drink put in my hand within two minutes of arrival), that place is pretty much a waste of time. I can't be bothered to try to get in to an exclusive club just to be able to say I was there. In addition, the only time I "dress up" is for job interviews, weddings and funerals, for which I wear the same dyke power suit (AKA NOT club wear).

*Not only is there a dress code, but the club's description on the website reeked of palpable pretension: "Valentino’s is a European style nightclub, where beautiful, well-dressed party people of all ages come together to dance and lounge in a truly unique atmosphere. Reminiscent of a speakeasy, the plush furnishings invite you to settle into one of our many lounges and mingle with the chic, upscale crowd." Barf. I hate places like that. I told P-funk this was my perfect chance to buy the tube top and mini-skirt I've been eyeing at Forever 21. When in actuality, I haven't worn a dress since I was in my sister's wedding. In 2004.

*Friday was being advertised as "Mardi Gras Bacardi Gras" night. Slogan: "What will you do for your beads?" Great, so this club is where feminists go to die. Further evidence of this theory? The photographs on their website from "Budlight/Maxim Night."

*This would be the first time I met many of P-funk's friends from High School. Plus her ex and ex's new girlfriend would be there. So my usual default plan in situations such as this (sit in the corner, get drunk and mock people) probably wouldn't fly.

Some highlights from the evening:

Dumb straight guy turns to P-funk and says, "If your hair was any shorter, people might mistake you for a lesbian." Thanks for the warning.

Pop culturally confused guy who looked like a Caucasian version of
Darryl "D.M.C." Matthews McDaniels of Run D.M.C. (seriously, he had the hat AND the glasses) grabbed P-funk on the dance floor and said, "This is how real men do it" and started kneeing her in the groin. Funny, I don't think P-funk was trying to be a man and I know no women that like getting blunt objects rapped up against their pubic bones.

Drunk straight guy, like many drunk straight boys, can't see two women dancing together without thinking we either need a man to interrupt us or want a man to join us. Cuz all lesbian couples are really looking for a man for an orgy. Cuz what happens in porn happens in real life. So drunk straight boy gets between us and tries to dance with us. I tell him to go away. "But it's my birthday." Well then, in that case, you must be entitled to invade our space. This is when I make a fist and make like I'm going to punch him and P-funk pulls me back.

Which brings us to Saturday, when P-funk and I would be joining a group of red-hot lesbians for the official grand opening of
Pi, Minneapolis' newest lesbian bar. Or should I say #2 of 2 bars catering to queer women in the Twin Cities and the other one is in St. Paul, making Pi the only dyke bar in Minneapolis...

If Valentinos was raising red flags in the back of my mind, Pi had me waving the white flag of sweet surrender:

*Come as you are dress code. I personally wore my standard jeans and tee-shirt. But there were also sporty dykes wearing sweater vests, white baseball caps and small gold hoop earrings. Rugby dykes in, you guessed it, rugby shirts. Cute trendy dykes with fauxhawks and wristbands. Punky dykes. Old dykes. Young dykes. Deaf dykes. White dykes and black dykes. I even saw a one-legged lesbian that was shaking her groove thang so hard that she danced right out of her prosthetic limb! This is the kind of diversity within the gay population you maybe see once a year at Pride if you're lucky. And from reading Pi's myspace profile, they are committed to being a welcome environment for all of the queer lady community and are open to suggestions for making it even more diverse.

*Don't feel like dancing? Play some pool or sit at a table, eat some yummy snacks, and people watch. Not into typical booty shaking club music? They have live music too, including riot grrl Tuesdays. Still looking for more stimuli? Check out the current art installation.

*No obnoxious straight boys.


coryq said...

Not all straight boys are obnoxious. Some of us are more cocky or full of rancor...

But yeah, I checked out the Valentino's web site. Why the hell would you ever go there? The lights look cool, but past that, forget it. I think I would just have to punch people. Lots, and lots of punching. Personally, I like my girls to form cohesive sentences and I don't think that crowd goes to Valentino's. Oh, and I hate drunks. I'm sure they wouldn't let me in anyway.

And (I'm into poorly written sentences today) things that happen in porn do happen in real life, if you do it right.

So, this club you went to in Minneapolis, was there a contingent in the crowd working on math problems? I had to ask.

Smitty said...

I never said all str8 boys are obnoxious. I never even said that most are, even though I think that is possible.

My only explanation for why I went there is that is the kinda thing suckers like me do for the ladies. Or one lady in particular. As for why Valentinos was chosen in general? My only insight is that these were P-funk's high school friends. Edina High School.

Yes, sometimes the things that happen in porn do happen in real life, when men manipulate the women in their lives into doing it. How unfortunate.

No math problems. But the rumor is that the owners are indeed math geeks.

Kelsey said...

I meant to ask you when you were going to Pi...I heard about it from our Dean of students (who is a lesbian herself). Glad it is a good place!