Sunday, January 21, 2007

Willow Tree Stowaway

My freshman year of college, someone once taught me about a test women can use to determine whether or not we can go braless: put a pencil under a boob and if it falls, you can go braless; it you have enough flesh to hold it in place, you better haul ass to Vickie's Secret or risk being accused of being bouncy and obscene.

This helpful tip came from someone trying to tell me I was indeed bouncy and obscene. I had gone from a hip-hop listening, baggy pants wearing, pristine Nike sneaker sporting, wanna-be thug to an Ani difranco listening, hairy legged, going braless, budding feminist in the span of about 3 months. Despite this person's attempts to curtail my need for extreme stereotypes, at least when it came to my upper torso, I took the pencil test as a challenge instead of the not-so-subtle hint that it was intended.

As a college freshman, one breast could not only hold a pencil, I could hold a can of bathroon air freshner in nature's pocket. Which makes you think about Homeland Security and those measly 3 oz you are allowed to carry-on flights. I could easily smuggle way more than 3 oz under each melon without being detected. Not that I would, but I could!

Since then, I've gained weight in the chest and subsequently lost some (not all) of the weight. This situation is ideal for under-the-boob storage because there is still more than enough flesh to have the weight needed to grasp, but they are floppy from growing and shrinking, creating nice overlap. That is why breast implants aren't good for boob smuggling: too perky.

So I decided to try the pencil test again, 10 years later. One breast can hold about 7 pens/pencils loose. But that number is misleading because the pencils are slippery: bind the pencils together with a rubber band, and my capbilities are greatly increased. My right breast can hold 50, count em, 50 writing implements:

I was having so much fun that I got to wondering what other items my chest was capable of grasping. Here are a few of the highlights.

An amputee Willow Tree Angel:

A bag of shredded money:

A small ship-in-a-bottle:

Gallon-size container of vegetable oil (empty):

Box of Garden Herb Triscuits (full and unopened):

Betty Boop:

And the motherload, the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy (paperback):

And the one item my right breast couldn't get a good grip on? But damn if I didn't try!


CoryQ said...

It's called Cooper's Droop.

I would like to know, for my own sake, what circumstances conspired to get that train a-rollin' to where the night culminated in putting a jug under your jug.

Did it make a difference if you were sweaty or not? I'm just wondering about frictional coefficient.

Paige said...

The parents are never to see

But I think my mom might actually get a kick out of it...Makes me wonder what I can hold under one of my melons....hmmm......

MJ said...

Oh my god, that's fucking hilarious! A ship in a bottle? Too much! Well done Smitty!

susan said...

visting via MJ.

That was hilarious. I have never heard of this technique, but know full well, I could possibly hold a live animal (small cat? dog?) under my breasts at this point... How funny!

Kelsey said...

My goodness!! You could go into business with this sideshow act!!