Sunday, October 22, 2006

Jesus was a Hasid

I'm spreading out the Halloween this year. Went to a costume party last night and have another next weekend. The subject of Halloween came up when I was getting my hair cut on Friday by one of my new favorite people, Sica.

[After I left the salon the other night, in the time it took me to walk to the gas station next door to buy some smokes, a mini van had been haphazardly parked in the salon parking lot entrance, blocking everyone in. So I came around to the front of the Salon to investigate and see Sica sitting on the back of the couch of the front window, waving me in. Turns out the van driver wasn’t some asshole, but a police officer. Somehow I had not noticed that it was a police van and that a perp was on the ground getting handcuffed right in front of the salon].

Anyways, Sica and I were discussing our Halloween costumes. She is going as a knocked-up hillbilly zombie car crash victim. My costume will be revealed later in the story. She was saying how Halloween is often an excuse for women to dress as, how should I say it, skanks, basically. Normally if a woman is dressed in fishnets and a leotard, she just looks slutty. But add animal ears or fairy wings and suddenly it is a costume. (This is not to say I haven’t fallen prey to the same phenomenon. There was that one November 1st walk of shame into the San Francisco Police Dept wearing knee high boots after my friend's car was towed out of the Castro the night before).


So I go to this party last night and sure enough every girl's costume was slutty_____. There were 2 slutty angels, 3 slutty devils, 2 Marilyns, 2 flappers and a slutty librarian. There were 2 slutty costumes at the party that I could really get behind, however. One was Paris Hilton (“post–rehab”). The other one? Well, she was wearing fishnets with garters, a mini skirt and a corset-- all black.

"So, what are you?"
"I'm slutty".

She came as slutty. Period. She didn't try to diminish her sluttiness under the guise of school girl or nurse. She was just straight up slutty, no bones about it. I can respect that.

Then there were the lesbians in the corner. We were a paired costume. My friend was wearing khakis, a blue button up Polo-brand shirt, and a necktie displaying a montage of the Lincoln memorial, Capital dome and American flags. I was wearing khakis, white button-up shirt with blue pin-stripes, blue blazer and a necktie displaying a montage of crosses, bible verses, 10 commandments and doves. If it weren’t for our props and name tags, we easily could’ve been dressed as Patriotic Dyke and Bible Salesman. But she was carrying a giz-soaked towel (Ok, it was Elmer’s glue) and I was carrying a can of Crisco. My name tag: Congressman Mark Foley. Her name tag: Anonymous Underage Page. If, like some of the idiots at the party last night, you have no clue what I’m talking about, please read the
transcripts.

Side note: I somehow had the bright idea that I needed to bind my chest for a more authentic male look, as if I was going to a drag king competition and not just a Halloween party. But trying to keep my DD ta-tas under wraps really only resulted in looking like I was trying to smuggle contraband across the Iron Curtain, or perhaps concealing a bullet-proof vest.

In case you are wondering, the guys at the party, while not dressed like sluts, still fell victim to the “multiple party goers in the same-costume” problem. There were 4 pirates, 2 wizards, 2 Darth Mauls and 2 Jesuses (is there a plural for Jesus? I mean He is sorta one-of-a-kind). Although one Jesus was “Jesus H. Christ: Attorney at Law” with business cards to prove it. In addition to the long hair, crown of thorns and stigmata scars, he was wearing black dress pants with matching suit vest, white shirt and pocket watch. This led me to the conclusion that Jesus wasn’t just any Jew, but a Hasidic Jew.

5 comments:

CoryQ said...

"There were 2 slutty angels, 3 slutty devils, 2 Marilyns, 2 flappers and a slutty librarian."

Just three words:
Oh
Hell
Yes!
(especially the librarian. Smart girls with glasses are the hottest!)

Why can't I get invited to these kinds of parties!? I mean, seriously! I wouldn't have been a wizard, pirate, Darth, or messiah. Altought now that I think about it, Darth Jesus would have been cool.

I have an actual explination for the give-me-some-candy-i'm-a-slutty-whatever phenomena... I blame smut books and the idea of reputation.

Slutty.

This is your best blog ever.
(p.s. Do you have any pictures of this party?)

Smitty said...

I do have some photos from the party, but they are only of my friend and me. Something tells me these aren't the photos you're interested in.

BTW, when the first Jesus arrived at the party, I yelled out, "Jesus! I have a bone to pick with you man. Why'd you let that cleryman do that to me? My life is in ruins because of you!".

To which I received a blank stare.

"Ok dude. I'm Mark Foley."

Continued Silence.

"The Congressman involved in a sex scandal?".

[insert crickets chirping here]

"Ok, so there is this guy Mark Foley and he's been caughting IMing...".

It really kills the joke when you have to explain it. You'd think even an idiot might take in USA Today or CNN or better yet, Fark.com or The Daily Show.

coryq said...

You are experienceing the same problem I have come across: You expect people to be culturally literate. If that Jesus was really culturally literate he would have dressed as something else. His choice is basically a cop out to seem more edgy than he is.

And no offense, since you weren't being slutty, I'll pass on the pictures.

Slutty.

Was there any spanking at this party? Did the devils and angels make out?

CoryQ said...

Oh, and I think Jesus wouldn't be hasidic so much as he would join "Jews for Jesus".

Smitty said...

P.S.
On the way to the party, my friend asked if I had any music requests for the ride.

"I dunno, do you have any child molester music?

So she put in some R Kelly.